Magic Words : Book Review

 Book Review #22

Did you know, instead of asking kids "to help" if you ask them to "be a helper" increases their tendency to help by 33%. Turns out it is due to the difference between verbs and nouns. E.g., if I told you Rebecca goes running, and Fred is a runner, invariably you think Fred likes running more. If you have a tough time sticking to a New Year’s resolution, saying “I don’t” works better than saying “I can’t”

Wharton professor, Jonah Berger in "Magic Words" published this month summarizes analytics-based insights on the power of using words the right way to advance yourself, have personal impact and connect better. The six types of magic words strategies are

(1) Activate identity and agency: Turning action to identity is critical ("to help" vs. "to be a helper". Change "can’ts" to "don’ts" & "shoulds" into "coulds" (to enable creative thinking), talk to yourself, and drop the “you” to avoid finger-pointing language

(2) Convey confidence: Four major ways to express confidence: (a) ditch the hedges - avoid phrases like "I think" and "In my opinion" and replace them with clearly, definitely etc. (b) don’t hesitate - avoid fillers (c) turn pasts into presents - present tense sounds more definitive, e.g. he was a good team player vs. he is a good team player and (d) know when to express doubt

(3) Ask the right questions: Asking questions makes people think you are smarter and more competent. Four strategies for asking better questions are to: (a) follow up to get deeper (b) deflect difficulties (ask a reverse related question to avoid sensitive traps) (c) avoid assumptions, and (d) start safe, then build

(4) Leverage concreteness: Research shows that "linguistic concreteness" helps. Three ways to achieve linguistic concreteness: (a) make people feel heard (clear paraphrasing), (b) make the abstract concrete (no vagueness) (c) know when to be abstract (to convey a vision or big picture be abstract so people know who to vote for or who is to be promoted)

(5) Employ emotion: The Pratfall effect says that your likeability or appeal increases when you make some mistakes instead of being a perfectionist. Four ways to employ emotion: (a) build a roller coaster, (b) mix up moments, (c) consider the context (emotions are good for hedonic things but bad for utilitarian ones), and (d) activate uncertainty

(6) Harness similarity (and differences): Linguistic similarity is a big predictor of new employees becoming successful whereas people with dissimilar language style were four times more likely to be fired. In contrast, with art/music/lyrics, having linguistic difference makes creative output standout and be more successful. Similarity drives alignment whereas differentiation is linked to creativity and memorability

Overall "Magic Words" gives powerful new insights leveraging analytics and is a very valuable book to understand how the nuances in language drives influence and impact.

Jonah Berger #bookreview #influencing

Daring Greatly : Book Review

 Book Review #21

If you have grappled with the idea that being "Vulnerable" is a bad idea, then you must definitely read "Daring Greatly" by Dr. Brene Brown. Brene dispels the myth that vulnerability is a weakness and argues that it is rather an accurate measure of courage. Here are my takeaways

- The central objective is to live a life of wholehearted worthiness fully accepting our vulnerabilities. If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging that is not linked to prerequisites like achievements, wealth, designations etc.

- Vulnerability does not mean hanging ourselves out to everyone; it means having the connection or means to share ourselves with people who have earned the right - with trust, mutual empathy and reciprocal sharing

- Understand the difference between shame and guilt. Guilt = I did something bad and Shame = I am bad. Guilt creates psychological discomfort, something similar to cognitive dissonance and motivates meaningful change. Guilt is just as powerful as shame, but its influence is positive, while shame is destructive

- Most people believe that shame is a good tool to keep people in line. This is wrong and dangerous. Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying

- The secret killer of innovation is shame. A deep fear of being wrong, of being belittled and of feeling less is what that stops us taking the risks required to move our companies forward

- We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection

- Do not be afraid of vulnerability. In general, we operate with an idea that Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but remember it is the first thing the other person looks for in you. Covering your vulnerability is like wearing a mask that won't reveal yourself to the people you love and sometimes you yourself are not aware who is underneath

- Foreboding Joy (thinking your joy will not last), Perfectionism (avoiding judgement and shame) and numbing (deaden the pain of discomfort) are factors that prevent you from being your true vulnerable self while retaining your sense of wholehearted worthiness

- To overcome foreboding joy practice gratitude, to overcome perfectionism make the journey from “What will people think?” to “I am enough.” and to overcome numbing practice shame resilience

- The space between our practiced values (what we actually do, think, and feel) and our aspirational values (what we want do, think, and feel) is the value gap or “disengagement divide” where we lose our employees, our clients, our students, and even our own children

This is a heavy book that made me read several sections again and again as so many examples were highly relatable.

#bookreview #brenebrown #vulnerability